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Just so you know, my scifi thriller, November Mike Echo has been published. You can download it for free until the 12th and for only $.99 after that. It is available in all formats and tastes delicious on dense germanic breads.

Hot Music Trends For 2k11

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I can tell the future, an amazing ability that somehow does not help to include on my resume. My method is as follows.

1- Drink teeth loosening amount of tea.

2- Spill tea leaves onto Ouija board.

3- Read a Spin magazine from twenty years ago.

 Schwing.

So, dear reader, I have compiled a list of the visions that passed before my eyes like the minute long recap at the beginning of The Real World. 

They love each other.


Madchester

This has already begun. If you didn't know Madchester music was spawned in Manchester in the late 80's- early 90's. Here are a couple examples. A good one, and a bad one. 

Good
Happy Mondays- Loose Fit


Bad
Jesus Jones- Right Here, Right Now

Rave Music

Rave had many different sounds, but to me these songs pretty much cover ravey hard dance. Plus, brainmeltingly intense videos. 

The Prodigy- One Love




Orbital- Chime


House Music

Granted, house never went anywhere; it has always been popular somewhere. I see it creeping back into the mainstream, crusty baselines and 808 snares and all. 


MC Luscious- Boom, I Got Your Boyfriend


Heavy D and the Boyz- Now That We Found Love







Also, the recording of albums and EPs will be distributed more via cassette tape which have been regaining popularity steadily over the last couple years. Hip individuals will leave their mp3 players at home and listen to walkmans, causing Energizer and Maxell stocks to rise to heights not seen since the iVibe Rabbit craze of 2k4. Perhaps enamored couples will make real mixtapes for each other, realizing that dragging stolen copies of Morrissey songs onto a playlist and clicking burn is, in reality, amazingly vapid. Will we once again wallow in the beautiful hissing silence that lives in the odd empty minute at the end of the B side?

The Seven Worst Things of 2k10

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Personal things aside, it would seem the year 2k10 has been all around abysmal. I thought it would be prudent to create a post outlining (in easily bloggable top seven form) seven of the worst things to happen in 2k10. I feel a bit like VH1. Hey, remember when VH1 was sort of like MTV for people with bad taste in music/ moms and dads, and not that channel you turn on when you have nothing better to do and want to wallow in the nostalgia of countdown shows illustrating things that happened in your life back before the internet and cable when you actually went out and did things and didn't sit at home watching VH1 and wallowing in the nostalgia of countdown shows illustrating things that happened in your life back before the internet and cable when you actually went out and did things and didn't... ah. Sorry; here's the list. 

7. Four Loko
This is what it does to you.

This may have existed before 2k10, but it came into prominence this year, taking the seizure inducing NRG BOOZE throne from the popular tongue dyeing alcopop Sparks when it was forced by The Man to remove all NRG from its mix back in 2k9. A short list of the terrible things about Four Loco:

A- 660+ Calories: Nearly a third of the calories needed by the average human for an entire day. The best part is that most of this comes from the 60+ grams of diabetes loving refined sugar. All in one neon camo covered can.

B- 11%+ Alcohol By Volume: This means that in one 24 oz. can you will get as drunk as you would from drinking four regular beers. Coupled with the popular act of slamming an entire can to "Pregame" and maybe cracking another one at twoish in the morning so that one can party yet even more, can cause the heart problems associated with combining uppers and downers.

Like the spontaneous growth of ridiculous mustaches. 


C- Roughly a metric fuckload of NRG: Three cups of coffee worth of freebase caffeine plus nearly four Redbulls worth of other NRG additives, like guarana and taurine. This means that the guy that would normally be passed out on your couch wasted at two is instead wide awake and blacked out and "Totally OK, bro!" to drive home.

D- It only costs $2-$3: Meaning that people that normally couldn't afford to get drunk can get blasted for a five dollar bill. Perfect for college students that really need to unwind/chill/rage the fuck out.
Where my keys at?


Four Loco and other NRG Boozes are going to be outlawed soon. I guess party people will just have to go back to the safe and natural stimulant cocaine to really rock their night.   



I'll Miss You Four Loco.

6. The Zombie Apocalypse

The last few years in horror films and fiction have culminated in, what I consider, the death of the zombie genre. This just after vampires were ruined last year and continue to be drained (Hm.) of validity this year. After 28 Days later things seemed to go down hill at an increasing rate as every zombie now ran and every film had to have that (So Edgy) jittery digital look, removing the slow and ominous impending doom feeling of being surrounded by a slow and shambling horde of the undead. Now we have Smart Zombies (for some reason) zombies with guns, zombies that can drive, and talk. If things for zombies follow the same path they did for vampires by this time next year we will have sparkly zombies just trying to be understood, hoping to get through high school without too much ish, and probably having really gross Zombie Sex.
Rothilda, you are the only one that really gets me.

And then they Wayans Brothers will release of spoof of said film and the Circle Of Cinematic Life will be complete.


5. That Oil Spill Thing
I can haz papr towelz?

This was bad, but it isn't being covered by the news any more so our friends in the government must have taken care of it. Sigh of Relief.


4. Alice In Wonderland

How did Carrot Top end up in this movie?

I can't decide whether to blame Tim Burton or Disney for this insipid mishmosh of CG and marketing. Does every movie targeted to the tween demographic have to culminate in some huge and obviously fake CG battle scene ala The Chronicles Of Narnia (AKA JESUS WAS A TALKING LION)? This is the only movie I have ever seen that made me feel like I deserved the $3 back from the cheap theater. If the bodies are ever recovered I hold both of the above parties to blame for the bicycle lock rampage I tore through after exiting the theater.

3. Videogame Overlays in Film



What I am talking about is graphical popups that state achievements and video game like messages while the movie is playing out. I first saw this in Zombieland, and thought it was somewhat interesting and different. I chuckled when I saw "Level Up!" "4 Hit Combo!" ect. flashing on the screen, reminding me of back when my only goal in life was to achieve imaginary goals in a fantasy world within a glowing screen. Then I saw the same thing, ad nausium in Scott Pilgrim (Granted this effect was used in the comic so they cannot be faulted as it will be them that are being ripped off if this trend continues). It was charming in these two films, but I fear as Gaming and Film culture grow closer and closer together as we approach the Singularity, we will be seeing much more of this.



2. The iPad
My Giganto-Ray is a success! Muhahah. MUhahahah. MUHAHA- 

This will go down as the year Apple sold a giant iPod Touch and people actually bought it. Half the functionality of a netbook at twice the price. What's not to like? 

1. Justin Beiber

Aah.

Aaaaah.

AAAAAAH.

Let's Start A Revolution

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I want to be a revolutionary.

I am not happy at all with the way this city/country/world is being run. I think that it is time for some serious changes. How should I go about this?

Should I wear a t-shirt depicting a previous revolutionary/repeated failure to show my aspirations to 'Shake Things Up"? Should I actually learn about the person that is on my shirt before I wear it, or just kind of rage to the idea of the person, like when I wear my James Brown shirt?


Should I go to college and study political science so that I can really understand the government and use my knowledge to change the system/become a polisci professor? 

Should I become a guerrilla street artist so that I can wake up the sheeple by showing them how things really are with poignant stencils graffitoed illegally. This might be the way to go, I could make hella cash selling fourty dollar t-shirts/being the art director for a Scion commercial/selling 'dope ass' canvases to pro skateboarders.  

Should I become a conscious rapper so that I may reach the ignorant masses with my music? This would be better then being a regular rapper because I would really be making a difference, possibly for the hood. Also, I believe that it is OK for rappers of this variety to wear pants that fit. I cannot deny the world my butt. 

Maybe it would be better if I was a revolutionary rock star. That way I would appeal to a higher income bracket demographic that might donate spare time/money/babes to my great mission. 

Maybe I should join a larger organization and help them recruit/beg for money/piss people off. This way I could really feel like I was doing something meaningful with my life, even though I would just be walking around with signs sometimes and smoking a lot of pot, because that is what open minded radical people do.

Making the world a better place, one bong rip at a time.


What is the best way to be a change-maker? I really want to help, but I'm afraid I'll get in trouble. Maybe I can write blog posts about how unhappy I am about things and hope that I will inspire other people to carry out my mission while I am safe at Starbucks with my net-top. 

...The Huffington Post is clearly a pawn of the NWO who's task is to provide disinformations and spread controversy in an effort to shut down the internet and create a police state...


This revolution thing is hard. I guess I'll just keep making snide comments about police officers when they are out of earshot. This was a lot easier back when history was happening and if the government made you angry you would get some friends with guns together and shoot people until you got what you wanted. It sucks that the government made it illegal to do so. 

I think I'll just grow a beard and wait for someone else to start a revolution.

Is it revolution yet? No? I'll just get stoned and play some more guitar, dudes. 

Chicago Neighborhoods Illustrated: Via Hats

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Welcome to my newest re-occurring feature. In this I will use my superior skills of observation to make poignant statements based completely on visual only queues I receive day to day as I am forced to travel through this fine city. This week: Hats.

1. Ukrainian Village

The Trilby is a common choice of the aging hipster in an area that is only a stones throw away from being the next Lincoln Park. Not only does it show that the wearer is 'With It', it also covers that growing bald spot/ the fact that I no longer care enough about my appearance to do something with my hair. If you are unsure whether you have run in to an aging hipster such as this, inquire about any of the following; his kid, his wife, his 401k. If he answers affirmatively to any of these things, usually with a guilty wince, you should give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder and resume shotgunning 4LOKOs. You crazy kid. 


2. Wicker Park


  This person has been spinner buckle deep in the urban lifestyle since he was able to get out of Skokie and become the def individual he always dreamed of. A fitted cap shows that hair is for posers, as the hat is so well fitted it can only be removed from the head by a qualified associate at Lidz, and only then if it is immediately replaced with another cap, presumably with the logo of what ever sport team's colors match his outfit, or possibly a piece from his bro's Streetwear line. All of these things are 2Legit. Talk to this person about drippy markers, dope throwies, some obscure rapper that only exists on MySpace, or limited edition banana flavored Japan only issue Dunks. If this person approaches you on the street and asks you if you like rap music, your best plan of action is to pull your shirt neck over your face and howl until he leaves. 

3. Humboldt Park

 I ONLY DIY/BUY ON ETSY- GUESS WHICH LOL IDK


4. Logan Square


No one will ever know that I couldn't do anything with/wash my hair today if I cover it with this knit sack. It is alpaca yarn and that makes me a better person then you. Plus it kind of makes me look like Smurfette, the most fashion forward of all the Smurfs. 

5. Wrigleyville 


This image was an easy joke.

6. Bridgeport

This image is obviously a non-sequitur. 

7. Evanston


He is being even more smug then usual because he noted that Evanston is not actually part of the city of Chicago, just a poncy leech suburb to the north. 


8. Rogers Park


Oi! Oi! Oi!