The Seven Worst Things of 2k10

Personal things aside, it would seem the year 2k10 has been all around abysmal. I thought it would be prudent to create a post outlining (in easily bloggable top seven form) seven of the worst things to happen in 2k10. I feel a bit like VH1. Hey, remember when VH1 was sort of like MTV for people with bad taste in music/ moms and dads, and not that channel you turn on when you have nothing better to do and want to wallow in the nostalgia of countdown shows illustrating things that happened in your life back before the internet and cable when you actually went out and did things and didn't sit at home watching VH1 and wallowing in the nostalgia of countdown shows illustrating things that happened in your life back before the internet and cable when you actually went out and did things and didn't... ah. Sorry; here's the list. 

7. Four Loko

This is what it does to you.

This may have existed before 2k10, but it came into prominence this year, taking the seizure inducing NRG BOOZE throne from the popular tongue dyeing alcopop Sparks when it was forced by The Man to remove all NRG from its mix back in 2k9. A short list of the terrible things about Four Loco:

A- 660+ Calories: Nearly a third of the calories needed by the average human for an entire day. The best part is that most of this comes from the 60+ grams of diabetes loving refined sugar. All in one neon camo covered can.

B- 11%+ Alcohol By Volume: This means that in one 24 oz. can you will get as drunk as you would from drinking four regular beers. Coupled with the popular act of slamming an entire can to "Pregame" and maybe cracking another one at twoish in the morning so that one can party yet even more, can cause the heart problems associated with combining uppers and downers.

Like the spontaneous growth of ridiculous mustaches. 

C- Roughly a metric fuckload of NRG: Three cups of coffee worth of freebase caffeine plus nearly four Redbulls worth of other NRG additives, like guarana and taurine. This means that the guy that would normally be passed out on your couch wasted at two is instead wide awake and blacked out and "Totally OK, bro!" to drive home.

D- It only costs $2-$3: Meaning that people that normally couldn't afford to get drunk can get blasted for a five dollar bill. Perfect for college students that really need to unwind/chill/rage the fuck out.

Where my keys at?

Four Loco and other NRG Boozes are going to be outlawed soon. I guess party people will just have to go back to the safe and natural stimulant cocaine to really rock their night.   

I'll Miss You Four Loco.

6. The Zombie Apocalypse

The last few years in horror films and fiction have culminated in, what I consider, the death of the zombie genre. This just after vampires were ruined last year and continue to be drained (Hm.) of validity this year. After 28 Days later things seemed to go down hill at an increasing rate as every zombie now ran and every film had to have that (So Edgy) jittery digital look, removing the slow and ominous impending doom feeling of being surrounded by a slow and shambling horde of the undead. Now we have Smart Zombies (for some reason) zombies with guns, zombies that can drive, and talk. If things for zombies follow the same path they did for vampires by this time next year we will have sparkly zombies just trying to be understood, hoping to get through high school without too much ish, and probably having really gross Zombie Sex.

Rothilda, you are the only one that really gets me.

And then they Wayans Brothers will release of spoof of said film and the Circle Of Cinematic Life will be complete.


5. That Oil Spill Thing

I can haz papr towelz?

This was bad, but it isn't being covered by the news any more so our friends in the government must have taken care of it. Sigh of Relief.


4. Alice In Wonderland

How did Carrot Top end up in this movie?

I can't decide whether to blame Tim Burton or Disney for this insipid mishmosh of CG and marketing. Does every movie targeted to the tween demographic have to culminate in some huge and obviously fake CG battle scene ala The Chronicles Of Narnia (AKA JESUS WAS A TALKING LION)? This is the only movie I have ever seen that made me feel like I deserved the $3 back from the cheap theater. If the bodies are ever recovered I hold both of the above parties to blame for the bicycle lock rampage I tore through after exiting the theater.

3. Videogame Overlays in Film

What I am talking about is graphical popups that state achievements and video game like messages while the movie is playing out. I first saw this in Zombieland, and thought it was somewhat interesting and different. I chuckled when I saw "Level Up!" "4 Hit Combo!" ect. flashing on the screen, reminding me of back when my only goal in life was to achieve imaginary goals in a fantasy world within a glowing screen. Then I saw the same thing, ad nausium in Scott Pilgrim (Granted this effect was used in the comic so they cannot be faulted as it will be them that are being ripped off if this trend continues). It was charming in these two films, but I fear as Gaming and Film culture grow closer and closer together as we approach the Singularity, we will be seeing much more of this.



2. The iPad

My Giganto-Ray is a success! Muhahah. MUhahahah. MUHAHA- 

This will go down as the year Apple sold a giant iPod Touch and people actually bought it. Half the functionality of a netbook at twice the price. What's not to like? 

1. Justin Beiber

Aah.

Aaaaah.

AAAAAAH.