Poor Brenton's Almanac

2011-03-07T18:10:00.000-08:00

Just so you know, my scifi thriller, November Mike Echo has been published. You can download it for free until the 12th and for only $.99 after that. It is available in all formats and tastes delicious on dense germanic breads.

Hot Music Trends For 2k11

2011-02-08T15:58:00.000-08:00

I can tell the future, an amazing ability that somehow does not help to include on my resume. My method is as follows.

1- Drink teeth loosening amount of tea.

2- Spill tea leaves onto Ouija board.

3- Read a Spin magazine from twenty years ago.

Schwing.

So, dear reader, I have compiled a list of the visions that passed before my eyes like the minute long recap at the beginning of The Real World.

They love each other.

Madchester

This has already begun. If you didn't know Madchester music was spawned in Manchester in the late 80's- early 90's. Here are a couple examples. A good one, and a bad one.

Good

Happy Mondays- Loose Fit

Bad

Jesus Jones- Right Here, Right Now

Rave Music

Rave had many different sounds, but to me these songs pretty much cover ravey hard dance. Plus, brainmeltingly intense videos.

The Prodigy- One Love

Orbital- Chime

House Music

Granted, house never went anywhere; it has always been popular somewhere. I see it creeping back into the mainstream, crusty baselines and 808 snares and all.

MC Luscious- Boom, I Got Your Boyfriend

Heavy D and the Boyz- Now That We Found Love

Also, the recording of albums and EPs will be distributed more via cassette tape which have been regaining popularity steadily over the last couple years. Hip individuals will leave their mp3 players at home and listen to walkmans, causing Energizer and Maxell stocks to rise to heights not seen since the iVibe Rabbit craze of 2k4. Perhaps enamored couples will make real mixtapes for each other, realizing that dragging stolen copies of Morrissey songs onto a playlist and clicking burn is, in reality, amazingly vapid. Will we once again wallow in the beautiful hissing silence that lives in the odd empty minute at the end of the B side?

The Seven Worst Things of 2k10

2010-12-31T10:41:00.000-08:00

Personal things aside, it would seem the year 2k10 has been all around abysmal. I thought it would be prudent to create a post outlining (in easily bloggable top seven form) seven of the worst things to happen in 2k10. I feel a bit like VH1. Hey, remember when VH1 was sort of like MTV for people with bad taste in music/ moms and dads, and not that channel you turn on when you have nothing better to do and want to wallow in the nostalgia of countdown shows illustrating things that happened in your life back before the internet and cable when you actually went out and did things and didn't sit at home watching VH1 and wallowing in the nostalgia of countdown shows illustrating things that happened in your life back before the internet and cable when you actually went out and did things and didn't... ah. Sorry; here's the list.

7. Four Loko

This is what it does to you.

This may have existed before 2k10, but it came into prominence this year, taking the seizure inducing NRG BOOZE throne from the popular tongue dyeing alcopop Sparks when it was forced by The Man to remove all NRG from its mix back in 2k9. A short list of the terrible things about Four Loco:

A- 660+ Calories: Nearly a third of the calories needed by the average human for an entire day. The best part is that most of this comes from the 60+ grams of diabetes loving refined sugar. All in one neon camo covered can.

B- 11%+ Alcohol By Volume: This means that in one 24 oz. can you will get as drunk as you would from drinking four regular beers. Coupled with the popular act of slamming an entire can to "Pregame" and maybe cracking another one at twoish in the morning so that one can party yet even more, can cause the heart problems associated with combining uppers and downers.

Like the spontaneous growth of ridiculous mustaches.

C- Roughly a metric fuckload of NRG: Three cups of coffee worth of freebase caffeine plus nearly four Redbulls worth of other NRG additives, like guarana and taurine. This means that the guy that would normally be passed out on your couch wasted at two is instead wide awake and blacked out and "Totally OK, bro!" to drive home.

D- It only costs $2-$3: Meaning that people that normally couldn't afford to get drunk can get blasted for a five dollar bill. Perfect for college students that really need to unwind/chill/rage the fuck out.

Where my keys at?

Four Loco and other NRG Boozes are going to be outlawed soon. I guess party people will just have to go back to the safe and natural stimulant cocaine to really rock their night.

I'll Miss You Four Loco.

6. The Zombie Apocalypse

The last few years in horror films and fiction have culminated in, what I consider, the death of the zombie genre. This just after vampires were ruined last year and continue to be drained (Hm.) of validity this year. After 28 Days later things seemed to go down hill at an increasing rate as every zombie now ran and every film had to have that (So Edgy) jittery digital look, removing the slow and ominous impending doom feeling of being surrounded by a slow and shambling horde of the undead. Now we have Smart Zombies (for some reason) zombies with guns, zombies that can drive, and talk. If things for zombies follow the same path they did for vampires by this time next year we will have sparkly zombies just trying to be understood, hoping to get through high school without too much ish, and probably having really gross Zombie Sex.

Rothilda, you are the only one that really gets me.

And then they Wayans Brothers will release of spoof of said film and the Circle Of Cinematic Life will be complete.

5. That Oil Spill Thing

I can haz papr towelz?

This was bad, but it isn't being covered by the news any more so our friends in the government must have taken care of it. Sigh of Relief.

4. Alice In Wonderland

How did Carrot Top end up in this movie?

I can't decide whether to blame Tim Burton or Disney for this insipid mishmosh of CG and marketing. Does every movie targeted to the tween demographic have to culminate in some huge and obviously fake CG battle scene ala The Chronicles Of Narnia (AKA JESUS WAS A TALKING LION)? This is the only movie I have ever seen that made me feel like I deserved the $3 back from the cheap theater. If the bodies are ever recovered I hold both of the above parties to blame for the bicycle lock rampage I tore through after exiting the theater.

3. Videogame Overlays in Film

What I am talking about is graphical popups that state achievements and video game like messages while the movie is playing out. I first saw this in Zombieland, and thought it was somewhat interesting and different. I chuckled when I saw "Level Up!" "4 Hit Combo!" ect. flashing on the screen, reminding me of back when my only goal in life was to achieve imaginary goals in a fantasy world within a glowing screen. Then I saw the same thing, ad nausium in Scott Pilgrim (Granted this effect was used in the comic so they cannot be faulted as it will be them that are being ripped off if this trend continues). It was charming in these two films, but I fear as Gaming and Film culture grow closer and closer together as we approach the Singularity, we will be seeing much more of this.

2. The iPad

My Giganto-Ray is a success! Muhahah. MUhahahah. MUHAHA-

This will go down as the year Apple sold a giant iPod Touch and people actually bought it. Half the functionality of a netbook at twice the price. What's not to like?

1. Justin Beiber

Aah.

Aaaaah.

AAAAAAH.

Let's Start A Revolution

2010-12-20T06:54:00.000-08:00

I want to be a revolutionary.

I am not happy at all with the way this city/country/world is being run. I think that it is time for some serious changes. How should I go about this?

Should I wear a t-shirt depicting a previous revolutionary/repeated failure to show my aspirations to 'Shake Things Up"? Should I actually learn about the person that is on my shirt before I wear it, or just kind of rage to the idea of the person, like when I wear my James Brown shirt?

Should I go to college and study political science so that I can really understand the government and use my knowledge to change the system/become a polisci professor?

Should I become a guerrilla street artist so that I can wake up the sheeple by showing them how things really are with poignant stencils graffitoed illegally. This might be the way to go, I could make hella cash selling fourty dollar t-shirts/being the art director for a Scion commercial/selling 'dope ass' canvases to pro skateboarders.

Should I become a conscious rapper so that I may reach the ignorant masses with my music? This would be better then being a regular rapper because I would really be making a difference, possibly for the hood. Also, I believe that it is OK for rappers of this variety to wear pants that fit. I cannot deny the world my butt.

Maybe it would be better if I was a revolutionary rock star. That way I would appeal to a higher income bracket demographic that might donate spare time/money/babes to my great mission.

Maybe I should join a larger organization and help them recruit/beg for money/piss people off. This way I could really feel like I was doing something meaningful with my life, even though I would just be walking around with signs sometimes and smoking a lot of pot, because that is what open minded radical people do.

Making the world a better place, one bong rip at a time.

What is the best way to be a change-maker? I really want to help, but I'm afraid I'll get in trouble. Maybe I can write blog posts about how unhappy I am about things and hope that I will inspire other people to carry out my mission while I am safe at Starbucks with my net-top.

...The Huffington Post is clearly a pawn of the NWO who's task is to provide disinformations and spread controversy in an effort to shut down the internet and create a police state...

This revolution thing is hard. I guess I'll just keep making snide comments about police officers when they are out of earshot. This was a lot easier back when history was happening and if the government made you angry you would get some friends with guns together and shoot people until you got what you wanted. It sucks that the government made it illegal to do so.

I think I'll just grow a beard and wait for someone else to start a revolution.

Is it revolution yet? No? I'll just get stoned and play some more guitar, dudes.

Chicago Neighborhoods Illustrated: Via Hats

2010-12-12T20:07:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my newest re-occurring feature. In this I will use my superior skills of observation to make poignant statements based completely on visual only queues I receive day to day as I am forced to travel through this fine city. This week: Hats.

1. Ukrainian Village

The Trilby is a common choice of the aging hipster in an area that is only a stones throw away from being the next Lincoln Park. Not only does it show that the wearer is 'With It', it also covers that growing bald spot/ the fact that I no longer care enough about my appearance to do something with my hair. If you are unsure whether you have run in to an aging hipster such as this, inquire about any of the following; his kid, his wife, his 401k. If he answers affirmatively to any of these things, usually with a guilty wince, you should give him a reassuring pat on the shoulder and resume shotgunning 4LOKOs. You crazy kid.

2. Wicker Park

This person has been spinner buckle deep in the urban lifestyle since he was able to get out of Skokie and become the def individual he always dreamed of. A fitted cap shows that hair is for posers, as the hat is so well fitted it can only be removed from the head by a qualified associate at Lidz, and only then if it is immediately replaced with another cap, presumably with the logo of what ever sport team's colors match his outfit, or possibly a piece from his bro's Streetwear line. All of these things are 2Legit. Talk to this person about drippy markers, dope throwies, some obscure rapper that only exists on MySpace, or limited edition banana flavored Japan only issue Dunks. If this person approaches you on the street and asks you if you like rap music, your best plan of action is to pull your shirt neck over your face and howl until he leaves.

3. Humboldt Park

I ONLY DIY/BUY ON ETSY- GUESS WHICH LOL IDK

4. Logan Square

No one will ever know that I couldn't do anything with/wash my hair today if I cover it with this knit sack. It is alpaca yarn and that makes me a better person then you. Plus it kind of makes me look like Smurfette, the most fashion forward of all the Smurfs.

5. Wrigleyville

This image was an easy joke.

6. Bridgeport

This image is obviously a non-sequitur.

7. Evanston

He is being even more smug then usual because he noted that Evanston is not actually part of the city of Chicago, just a poncy leech suburb to the north.

8. Rogers Park

Oi! Oi! Oi!

What To Do On Friday Night

2010-10-29T18:01:00.000-07:00

This weekly holiday is drawing neigh, yes. So, what to do? I will present a number of options; but first, some facts about Friday. There is magic and history in your language, I will show you where.

How romantic. Romance languages for the most part name each day after a roman god. In a bit of a fuck-off to the status quo, germanic languages glossed their own pagan gods onto the calendar. This process is called interpretatio germanica. To be germantic; Friday was named after Freyja, Norse goddess of love, beauty, fertility, witchcraft, war, gold, and death. All things rad.

And her chariot was, in fact, powered by two blue cats.

The soundtrack that would accompany this lithograph would, I imagine, sound much like Any Way You Want It by the popular band Journey, were it played exclusively on the empty severed heads of fallen warriors.

In Catholic Cannon Laws (number 1251to be precise) states that on Fridays the abstinence of meat should be followed, though this is no longer widely followed, because, I don't know, beef lobbyists.

tehreelpope: Ucanhascheezeburgers yall @jesus told me so OMG DOVE HI 5!!!

How the mighty have fallen. How do we, the people of now, celebrate Friday?

Casual Friday

In which clean sneakers, jeans, and blouses with playful prints may be worn in an attempt to curb the corporate suicide rate. Enthusiastic striding is encouraged, but not required.

Girls Night Out

In which a number of female companions unleash themselves on the bar scene, really let loose. The teasing/avoidance of males is enjoyed along with syrupy cocktails. GNO often preceded by Tapas, Dim Sum, or other tiny foods that will show off their french tipped manicures while being eaten. Carrot Top is encouraged but not required.

Live Action Roleplaying

Don't judge me. I used to pull Freyja's chariot.

Views on Death: Reincarnation

2010-10-28T22:44:00.001-07:00

So, after my less than intelligent interim into Brohood, I thought it would be prudent to delve into the darkest of the depths of everyones minds.

Oh, cute death, take me now.

So, everybody, everything, every mineral and molecule dies. Can we draw some sort of conclusion from all of this? Is a body that dies more significant and important than the molecules that made it up? Do molecules go to heaven? Or only things that are made of a certain amount of molecules? Do the souls of your molecules travel with you? Do they have their own heaven?

Can't wait for Protein Heaven, ya'll!

Ah, let's not talk about heaven yet. Let us talk about different beliefs of what happens after death.

Chapter One: Reincarnation

I saw this after eating some rotten rye bread once, which, I understand, is in great supply in the developing world.

Reincarnation comes in all sorts of shapes and forms, and, despite the fact that I used a hilarious Krishna illustration, I will not focus on any one of them. Because I care about your feelings.

Good things and bad things come from belief in Reincarnation. On the one hand, people try to live their lives the best they can, so that they might get a better hand next time around, like a friendly game of poker.Some groups of people that hold these beliefs treat animals with the utmost respect because they believe there is a chance that any animal may be a reincarnation of a dead loved one. Respectable.

Glad you finally made it Gramma, I'm totally not going to eat you.

The downside to this, is that people may, at a certain point in their life call a mulligan, figure they messed up too much, so why bother? Better luck next time.

This kind of sucks. I fold.

Another upside to reincarnation is that it provides a lucrative job for charlatans, so they can make money telling idiots that they were Sojourner Truth in a past life.

I'm seeing a... railroad, and... it's... underground?

I do enjoy the idea of reincarnation, in that it technically ties in with the law of Conservation of Energy; mainly that energy cannot be created or destroyed. So, suppose that each of us has a spark (soul) that flits around at death, it may be guided by deities with animal heads or long white beards, or the random tossing of a number of collectible coins, it lands in a fetus, ready to be born again. If one ignores the fact that this energy, upon death, would most likely be distributed via heat, mild electrical discharge (the White Light?) and possibly a very faint gasp; it would travel via some strange entropy to an empty vessel, well. I have questions.

Where do the new souls come from? The population is constantly multiplying.*

I am above pointing fingers.

If the global population were to plunge; due to famine, energy crisis, common sense; where would the excess souls go? Heaven? Purgatory? If they went to heaven and the population once again surged, would they be torn from bliss to suffer our fleshy confines?

Aw, goddamn! I though I made it this time!

This is some serious philosophy, in blog form. I demand answers. That is, unless you are uncomfortable with these strange feelings I have dredged up.

Hm?

*It occurred to me, soon after finishing the final draft, that many reincarnation beliefs include a number of creepy crawlies in their cycle of rebirth. Should we, then, feel good about using pesticides, so that our possibly damned, and currently insectoid ancestors be relieved of their tedious, carapace bound existence, so that they can have a bit of a better draw next time? Do you believe an ant has a soul? A flea? A paramecium? Discuss, I am curious.

Kill me son, so that I may live again.

Redacted

2010-10-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Stay tuned. I took this down.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: The Aftermath

2010-10-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

Oh. Wow. I feel like I've been living off of Sparks and cheese burgers for the last week, and it looks like that is the least of my worries.

I need vegan food and kombucha, stat.

So, I have been blacked out all through this medicated week, suffering one continuous nightmare from which I could not awaken, surrounded by televisions, fried food, terrible beer and worse women. I must have gained nearly fifteen pounds, though hopefully most of that is impacted animal protein in my colon. Judging from the fast food wrappers all over my apartment the next few days are going to be gastronomically interesting to say the least.

INSERT LOWBROW BATHROOM HUMOR HERE

Luckily it seems my medicated self was having such a great time, he forgot to take his pills for three days in a row, allowing me to return this morning next to some terrible woman that smelled like a Claire's and my neck suffering from a terrible rash that can only be attributed to a perpetually popped collar.

I fear the barcode tattoo on my neck will never be the same.

I snuck out of bed, slipped into the khakis and the polo I could only guess were mine, and exited stage the fuck out of here. I spent the last few hours at my apartment, piecing together the events of the last week by going through my apartment and examining texts on "my" iPhone. Then,, between bouts of purging, I read this blog and all the missing space was filled in. I am roughly thirty thousand dollars in debt to credit cards, there are a ridiculous amount of joke a day emails filling my inbox, and I have a thirty case of Budweiser in my ice-box that I haven't a clue what to do with.

What is this for?

Luckily my medicated self never took out the garbage, of which he created enormous amounts of, so I should be able to return most of the junk he bought with imaginary money. That Krystal girl keeps calling me, though. I need to figure out some way to get that ring back. She doesn't seem to be the type that would hand it over, so I will probably have to sneak into her place and take it, in the night.

Psst. Hey. I never really loved you, it was the meds. I'll be taking that...

I called back my old job and they agreed to let me work there again as long as I refrained from calling everyone 'bro'. The insurance job called me and asked why I hadn't showed up for work. I told them I had been diagnosed with inoperable smarm cancer, and that I would never be able to come in, ever again.

This is the face of Smarm Cancer.

All of my other problems can be cleared up with some bankruptcy and a good upper colonic. I should shake this off and move on with my life/blog. I'm going to kind of miss medicated me, though; in the way George probably missed Lennie.

"Yeah, Lennie, you can take care of the rabbits."

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Day 8

2010-10-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Awesome news!

I'm getting hitched!

I kinda wanted to be single for a while and mess around with a bunch of different ladies, but then I realized after Krystal pointed it out, a bunch of her friends are already married and have kids at my age. Man! The clock really is ticking! I thought about it for a little while, and realized she was right! What if I turn thirty and I haven't locked somebody down to me legally by the time I start getting all gross and old , right?

Who would want to marry me when I start looking like this!?

So, I went out to the mall and maxxxed one of the credit cards to get her a ring. She said gold gave her a rash, so it had to be platinum, and the diamond a whole carat! Would you want to marry someone who loved you less than a carat? Loving someone is mostly about how much money you spend on them, and a ring is an awesome way for a woman to show the world "My hubby <3's me thiiiis much!"

Cant wait till he has to buy me another ring in 5 yrs! LOL

I'm excited for the future! The wedding is going to be huge. We can't spend less than 10 grand, she says, because thats how much her best friend Cindy spent. Its cool, dont want to be upstaged. It is a very special day after all, and it only happens once in your life, unless your like my dad and it happens 3 times! Ha-ha. Actually, ouch :(

All these bros will be so thankful after we feed them and get them drunk.

Were gonna take out a mortgage and get a nice ass house with a lawn and shit in the suburbs. Cant wait! It will be nice to be out of the city so I wont have to worry about getting robbed, or people riding bikes around me, or bums, or people that dont look like me.

Ahhhh! Dont take my iPhone, bro!

Cant wait to have some kids! I make enough money to support both of us so Krystal can stop wasting her time in college and start makin babies! She must be so relieved to not have to work or learn anything any more. Wish I was a broad so I had it sweet like that.

She cant wait!!!

Itll be nice to have kids so I can finally stop trying to better myself. I can just give up on any goals I had and pass them on to the kids. Then I can make them awesome and they will take care of me when I am old and gross! How can anything go wrong? All I have to do is keep working this job and making enough money to keep them going, and push them in the right direction so they dont go to some bullshit art school or something.

Stop crying son, the other boys wont beat so much if you stop being a little pussy.

This is so great! I've got my whole life figured out and lined up in just over one week! Hell yeah! This is gonna be gr8!

cya!

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Day 7

2010-10-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

Oh man! Best. Weekend. Everrr!

What he said!

So after work on friday all us guys split up so we could get ready to go to the club. I was so stoked to show off all my awesome new threads!

I looked pretty much like this, but my shirt had a two headed eagle stamped on it off center, all worn down like it was old, but it was new, ONLY $50 Woooo!

We met up at Pizza Pally and had this crazy ass kim chee pizza that smelled like farts but tasted soo good, like your mom! Ha-ha! Then we went to Joes, this awesome huge bar with a bangin system. The DJ had a bunch of awesome crunk music, which I didn't like before, but I love it now! It makes me feel like a dangerous black gangster, so I pull at my crotch a lot and point at things like I have a gun. Sooo fun! They had like fifty huge TVs all playing different sports. It was great, you never had to turn and be uncomfortable to see a TV, there was always one in sight, THATS how you set up a bar, WTF is the point of going out to a bar if I can't watch TV? Oh yeah, I almost forgot...

Ladies! Hell yeah, dude!

So there were like a thousand ladies at the club, and I was dancin on all of them once I slammed a few jager-bombs. All my bros were like "How you do that bro?" and I was like, "Shit, I don't know."

Guys, I met my dreamgirl there! Heres a pic!

Shes the smokin hot blonde one!

Her name is Krystal and shes awesome! Not only is she soo hot, shes deep too! Shes really spiritual and connected with shit. Shes got like eight Kabballah bracelets and goes to yoga every week. Shes really free-spirited, shes got three tattoos, one of a rose, one of a naughty fairy and one awesome one on the small of her back that is like a tribal butterfly but if it was made of barbed wire. Shes got a great tan, she says she hits the beds every other day to keep it up. I think I'm in love, guys.

THERES GONNA BE BABIES

Cuz I know I'm not gonna use a stupid ass condom. Condoms are for pussies! Ha-ha!

We went to brunch the next day, I'd never eaten brunch before. Turns out it's like breakfast but it costs more and you can drink during it. Yeah! After that we went back to her place and started a new box set she had picked up.

Soo original! I love HBO!

CYA!

Oppositional Defiance Disorder: Day 4

2010-10-22T10:04:00.000-07:00

What an awesome couple of days! Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was too busy making that MONEY! Ha-ha!

Got the job! Boo-yah!

I kicked ass at the interview, and since it was so early they let me start training right away! I get my own half of a cubicle and computer and everything! My job is to call deadbeats who aren't keeping up with their payments and raising their rates if they are late too many times. Serves them right! If you can't afford insurance you shouldn't have it! Ha-ha! Am I right?

Can't help you bro! Should have gotten a better job before you got sick! Ha-ha!

My cubicle mate Chad is pretty awesome. He showed me how to get around the firewall on the network so I could look at sport scores and porn for most of the day. Score! He invited me to go to TGI Friday's after work for some beers with the other bros at the office.

I had like 20 of these!

It was great! They had these big 24 oz glasses of Bud for 4 bucks and we ordered a bunch of appetizers. There were buffalo wings (YUM) a plate with THREE different kinds of fried things (not totes sure what they were but they were good!) quesadillas, tostada nachos, an onion blossom (SOO GOOD!) and we hadn't even ordered dinner yet! I had a half pound burger with two different kinds of mayo, three different kinds of cheese and double bacon! It even had a bowl of ranch on the side for dipping!

MMMMMMMMMMM!

They were talking about a bunch of TV shows I'd never seen, but I played it cool, I don't think they noticed I didn't know what they were talking about. On the way home I stopped by Best Buy and got a bitchin flat screen and a blue ray player since my old self didn't even have a TV. Gonna order cable over the weekend and get a XBOX 360 or a PLAYSTATION 3. I picked up like six DVD box sets of shows they talked about so I can catch up. It sucks being so stupid and not knowing what everyone else is watching on TV, but I'll get better soon.

Can't wait to unwind after a day at the office by watching The Office! Ha-ha! They are just like us! I can totes relate to them.

Well, back to work! I totes wrote this post at work. Supposed to go to a club tonight! Look out ladies!

Cya!

Oppositional Defiant Disorder: Day 2

2010-10-20T18:20:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I thought I would fill you in on whats been happening in my crazy life!

Do'h!

Maybe not that crazy, ha-ha! A lot of things changed, just today. I woke up feeling good, and I wasn't angry at anything, and stuff started to make sense, you know? Why waste time being angry and sad when you can just pick yourself up by the seat of your pants and keep moving?

First of all, I called in to work and quit. My old self liked working there because people left him alone and he had time to think, but it was only minimum wage! Get real! No wonder I was so sad, I was poor!

I had heard recently that there were positions open at Innerstate Insurance, out by the office parks, and that they started at 40K! Thats nearly twice what the old me was making, so I'll be twice as happy!

First thing was first, I couldn't apply for a job with this crazy haircut and goofy clothes. I had to fix that, but I barely had any money? Not even a credit card! How could I expect to build credit so I could buy a house some day? Sooo crazy, right?

I got a BUNCH! CHA-CHING!

I got a normal haircut first, then went to the GAP and got a bunch of outfits that make me look totally NOT like a complete FREAK! Ha-ha!

Look out ladies! The Brent-a-saurus is on the prowl!

When I was done shopping I was STARVING, but I remembered all the old me kept in the apartment was beans and rice. Gross! Totes went to White Castle and pounded a 20 sack! Sooo good!

Should have gotten 30!

Well, fans, that's it for today, got to wake up early to get ready for my interview at the insurance complex. But first I need to take all these shrouds off the windows. CREEPY! Ha-ha!

Cya!

Oppositional Defiant Disorder

2010-10-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the doctor, thanks to Obamacare. I was able to finally get the help I needed after ten years of no insurance. It has been a tough decade, I haven't been diagnosed with anything in so long, it's a relief to have something to blame for my behavior. The fluoride argument was wearing thin.

HAM radios are also a conspiracy.

Although I have a sturdy constitution, I have suffered a number of ills entirely mental. I went to my new general practitioner and, without even having to deal with the hassle of a visit to a psychiatrist, he was able to diagnose my multiple problems and give me a poker hand of prescriptions.

I'll toss these in too, you will have a beard in no time. I saw you admiring mine.

I was excited to have my problems solved, so I wrote out a list of them all so I wouldn't waste any of the doctors valuable time. Here it is:

What Is Wrong With Me

1. General displeasure with pleasure.

2. Uncomfortable in well appointed surroundings.

3. Can't eat while people are watching.

4. Nauseated when in the environs of clogs-Ugg boots- sweat pants- yoga pants- carpenter pants- tshirts that cost more than twenty dollars- hair gel- small dogs- large dogs- medium dogs- cats that remind me of dogs- children- parents- grandparents- teachers- professors- food- televisions- (this part goes on for quite some time)

5. Cannot speak openly with nearly anyone without both parties becoming very angry.

6. Cannot abide by rules because they really only apply to stupid people.

7. Has been known to bite when reading is interrupted.

8. An overwhelming feeling that everything is terrible.

9. Anxiety when placed in large, medium, or small groups. Also when alone.

10. Has replaced breakfast and dinner with Cigarette Time.

And on and on the list goes. Before I even got half way through the roll of toilette paper I wrote it on, the doctor had me pegged. I have, amongst other conditions, a disease called Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). I had never heard of this before, and my doctor didn't blame me, the disease didn't exist before the 2000 update of the MDR-IV, a standard guide to psychological illness.

Here's a picture of a couple books being forced to copulate by a doctor.

In the MDR-IV, ODD is defined as an “ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile and defiant behavior,” symptoms include questioning authority, negativity, defiance, argumentativeness, and being easily annoyed.

He prescribed me the following medications, which I hastily purchased at one of the many pharmacies in my area:

Risperidol- An atypical antipsychotic, to directly treat my ODD.

Lithium- As a chaser to take the edge off of some of Risperidol's side effects.

Dexedrine- A dextroamphetamine, to combat my ADHD and to provide a boost to overcome the downer effect of the Lithium.

Lexapro- An SSRI, to fight my depression and General Anxiety Disorder and to balance out the sometimes manic depressive effect of Dexedrine.

Silibilinin- A drug derived from milk thistle to protect my liver from damage.

My doctor is very holistic in his approach to medication, making sure that each yin has its yang. I am glad to be in his hands. I couldn't even imagine being treated by some quack that just throws pills at a problem that could be solved without medication.

How many deaths could have been prevented if this madman had been stopped at level 1?

As I was his final patient for the day, he took his Pfizer branded golf clubs out of his closet, put his GlaxoSmithKline cap on, and drove off in his Bausche and Lomb Porsche for a well deserved jaunt around the back nine at his country club.

As my stomach is usually empty, I took my medicine just before I began writing this post. I am still very unhappy and withdrawn, but I have hope for what tomorrow might bring. I will keep you posted in the coming days on my progress into normalcy.

The sunset is a metaphor for my old life sinking away. The beach signifies a slate of sad/angry scratching to be washed away by the tide of medication. The dog is an allegory for other dogs, that are always barking and shitting and ruining my day.

Serious is Hilarious

2010-10-18T10:09:00.000-07:00

Being serious about things must have been very popular at one point in time. It no longer is now. I find it hard to read a piece by anyone that is passionate on a subject, or listen to any current music that takes itself even the tiniest bit seriously. I will provide some examples to illustrate what I mean. Any current passion shown in research or entertainment seems to have been unearthed from the attic. Just with more vocoder.

This person is passionate about playing a fake guitar. Look at how much fun he is having.

Also, the newscasters behind him are passionate about filling airtime.

This person is passionate about playing a real guitar. Somehow I feel the same amount of pity for him as I do the previous chap, maybe a bit more. This fellow doesn't even have the cast of a morning news show standing behind him, acting interested.

This person is passionate about running and falling from high places, while also jumping and rolling around on public property that, may I remind you, our tax dollars paid for. If this is his hobby, I can only imagine what his day job is. Possibly running from the Bat Man, or delivering delicious sandwiches in militarized zones.

This person is passionate about eating corn. He is also a staunch proponent of corn subsidies.

This person is passionate about re-enacting a raging battlefield. He accomplishes this by putting on a dayglo windbreaker and goalie mask, popping a fresh CO2 cartridge into his paint gun and sneaking around a flat, well lit field littered with inflatable obstacles. War is hell.

This person is passionate about wearing a green lycra suit and bringing smiles and joy wherever he 'blades. He enjoys reveling in the wild, balls-to-the-wall behavior that pours from him when he is snug in the anonymity of his suit. Now he can bring the hilarious persona he dons on 4chan out into the real world, causing 'epiclulz', being the 'sauce'.

This person is passionate about 'blades, windbreakers, and, I suspect, corn.

This band is passionate about losing their virginity, and has written a number of songs on the subject. They are also passionate about last generation video effects.

This band is passionate about The Lord, but they never say so, so that they can maintain their Rock N Roll cred.

How You Are Perceived In Relation To What You Are Reading

2010-10-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

Whether on a bus, train, bench, or sofa made of human bodies, the odds are ninety to one that I will be reading. Sometimes the book you hold in your hands can be a message, telegraphing who you are, not just what you are reading. Here are the thoughts that may cross ones mind when certain books are seen in person.

The Elements of Style

This person will attempt to correct my grammar, or inform me that my grandiloquent words are unnecessary. Or they are reading it because their professor requires it.

House of Leaves

This person is so post modern, much like the book. They don't play by the rules, nor do they actually read every page of this book because that would be a total bummer, you know? But the way the words are used to make pictures is so original.

Jim Morrison

This person is both deep and free-spirited/a drug user. Rebellious, this person's unruly haircut is can only be contained by the hat he has to wear when he clocks in at Starbucks.

Holy Bible

This person steals things from hotel rooms.

The 48 Laws of Power

This person is a go-getter, a mover as well as a shaker. She seeks to embrace the watered down teachings of both Sun Tzu and Machiavelli, though she never could get the hang of Law 40- Despise the Free Lunch.

Seventeen Magazine

These people are functionally illiterate, and should be avoided.

WEEEEEEEE

Mustard, Custard, Grumble Belly and Gravy

This person likes to eat children, after luring them into his metaphorical cave with absurd, food based, fiction.

This person does not bother to put on airs by showing off what book she is reading, letting it lie in her lap. She would rather you approach her and ask what she is reading so she can say, "Oh, just some of Voltaire's early work." or "You wouldn't know." She is wife material, though, sadly, she exists only in a Perugini painting.

8 Great Works Of Literature In Sweater Form

2010-10-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

In my mind there are two powerful ways of expressing yourself; writing a book and wearing a sweater. I thought I would illustrate this fact by giving a list of well reviewed books and showing what they would look like if they were sweaters.

1. Ulysses - by James Joyce

and yes I said yes I will Yes.

2. Neuromancer - by William Gibson

Not Seen- The Autonomous nanobots that cause this thing to freakishly shamble to new energy sources.

3. The Bell Jar- by Sylvia Plath

I can make it all better, Esther.

4. Catcher In The Rye- by J.D. Salinger

I get blue at Christmas time too, Holden.

5. The Great Gatsby- by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Life is so hard.

6. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest- by Ken Kesey

Zap.

7. Dune- by Frank Herbert

The spice must flow.

8. Gravity's Rainbow- by Thomas Pynchon

You see, Theo, sometimes a man has to chase down the Schwarzgerat.

It would appear the cough-syrup is doing double duty tonight.

Tp10Wys2Mk$OnThWb.bat

2010-10-11T19:06:00.000-07:00

All things can be forgiven if we can progress.

-Cat Stevens-

There. Will. Be. Kittens.

Quit giving me advice, Mr. Stevens.

- - -

I will put this post in list form, since this seems to draw more GOOGLETRAFFIC. But first, some tags:

Free - - - Blonde - - - Best - - - Review - - - 9 West - - - Viral

- - -

1. What kind of blogger should I be? What is a blogger? I think being a blogger is sort of like being a writer that knows that his content is just, gosh, so good that the LCD will never pick up on it, so it will never be picked up by a real publisher, thus s/he self publishes on the internet.

2. Self Publishing is a dirty word, or that has how it has presented itself to me. A literary form of masturbation at its worst, a somewhat entertaining cry for attention at its best. Sure, this is new media, to put it in 90's terms, but it is rarely good media.

3. Remember that poignant blog post you read five years ago?

Mssr. Drips does.

4. No?

5. Hm.

9. Now, is this a comment on the medium, or the quality of writing that goes in to web content?

(The word Content is very important. If you are paid to write anything for the web, it is called content, as if the writer were squeezing something out of an orifice and filling a cup; and after reading a few posts, this is the correct word for such output.)

Step One- Acquire pink computer.

10. Which of these do you value; better content, or more content?

Would you rather read a dozen paragraphs on a dozen topics, or a dozen paragraphs on one topic?

Discuss, while I add phony links and some pictures to this post, to keep you entertained between all these dull words.

Tits --- Torrent --- LadyGaGa --- Beiber

This is what popped up.

ACTNPLN.EXE

2010-10-07T18:24:00.000-07:00

I thought it would be wise to outline my action plan to success; both so that I can keep track of my progress and so that I may help others in their attempt at being more like me .

Step One; Use more semicolons.
Step Two; Find a Voice and Stick To It
Step Three- Make sure that Voice isn't too original, or people won't like you.
Step Four; Remember that bit about semicolons, jerk.
Step Five; Take note of current Market Trends and comment on them in your own fresh way.
Step Six; Make up a word now and again, hoping it catches on.
Step Seven; Be as trawsome as you can be.

Anydangways: WHYTHEREAREREDLIGHTS

As much as I dislike drawing my bicycle to a stop at a light, I realize the necessity of these pauses, though a person like you or I would have the good mind to slow down and proceed with caution at an intersection even if there were no stop sign or light telling you to do so. Most people do not function this way.

The LCD; they would cruise as fast as their vehicle could travel, paying no heed to anything but the image of their destination and the 64 ounce soft drink waiting for them there. These people will not stop, will not think of others, unless they are told not to with scary signs, and they still will not obey unless there is a good chance they will be caught and punished.

The LCD; they are little more than infants with cars and jobs and degrees, all of these results of how well they respond to the threat of consequence.

Just imagine a world without religion to keep the LCD afraid of doing %90 of what they want to do.

What do you think the world would be like without the LCD's Stoplight God?

Could people baring common sense ride out the storm until the LCD enjoyed themselves to death?

Lastly, I might hear you ask, "Hey, smartass, what makes you better than everyone else?"

To answer modestly; Everyone Is Terrible.

This Is Still My Almanac

2010-10-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

So, if you will notice I have removed the stories from my Almanac. If you didn't notice, you can kick rocks. Let us call this a restructuring. When I first created this site I had a number of goals in mind:

1. A story a night to generate buzz.

2. A repository of re-publishable short fiction.

3. A shining beacon that would attract some slightly-overweight-cigar-chomping-publishing-man that would recognize me for my inherent genius and scoop me up, sweeping me into a plush world of bottomless carafes of coffee, limitless tins of tobacco, and all the cadmium yellow paint I could eat.

4. Really wow the ladies, man.

Seeing as these goals were not met after more than a year, I decided to remove the stories and use this place like a, you know, blog. Gross, right? I will still post links to my published stories as they come. I will post the occasional story, if I consider it prudent.

I will also just write about the various objects that get stuck in my metaphorical craw.

I like that word; craw.

Welcome again to my Almanac.

I apologize in advance, gentle reader.